Yes, you’ve heard this phrase before. Is it true? Yes- it most definitely is. We need to deal with our hurts in order to heal ourselves and keep pushing towards a new day. In some cases, it is intentional to dish out the hurt so that others can endure what you are experiencing; however, in many cases, it is not even known that it has come to that level of expression. It can be a defense mechanism to help get through moments of grief, such as a quick, harsh lashing out at others, but after that, then what? Do you feel better temporarily, only for it to return and then on that same destructive path to delve out additional hurt ? ? It is a cycle, for certain, that has to be acknowledged and tackled to finally heal. ?
Almost a decade ago, while in graduate school, we were assigned many books to read and review, but there was one that stood out for me, which related to practically everyone I know. Sandra Wilson’s, Hurt People Hurt People, is the book that I like to refer back to in understanding the pain ? that so many carry with them on this journey of life. Practically every scenario of hurt is addressed in the book, including unseen wounds, hurt by childhood choices, childhood fantasies, enduring hurt from others, and more. She says that “tragically, many of us continue to live out our early childhood ? choices year after pain-filled year as if we have no more options now than we were parent-dependent kids. But we do!” (p.83) Adult pain from childhood choices is real and it’s debilitating which affects us continuously in adulthood. Some of us did not learn how to process hurt as children and now we’re still handling it the same way that we did as children. Let that sink in. ?
This pain can manifest itself as anger ? in us. Remember, anger is a secondary emotion that results from a primary or underlying emotion, such as hurt, disappointment ?, guilt, etc. Anger can rule our actions. Let me give you an example. Think about a feel good story that you see on social media. Instead of just reading the story, you may feel compelled to leave a comment under the post. Something in you tells you to read the comments ? from others and although many are positive, you keep scrolling subconsciously until you land on that one evil post that turns this feel good post into an argument ? of where you are now defending what’s right. Wow. How’d you get here? Some ignorant person who you’ll never meet evoked all of these feelings and emotions in you. You’re angry but Wilson (2001) helps us to see that “hurt people commonly use anger to disguise and deflect their guilt and grief”. In a nutshell, this speaks volumes. It’s time to deal with those suppressed feelings that are ruling your life. After you truly understand YOU and why you are feeling this way, you learn to walk away and the power of discernment. Look at you: EVOLVING! ?
Going forward, many of the blogposts will most likely deal with how we deal with pain in our lives. How it turns into depression, grief, anxiety, fear, resentment, pent up anger and so much more is a true reality of those who deal with this on a daily basis. I’m asked frequently for resources, and suggestions on self-help books ? and this is one that I pull from my resource bookshelf quite often. I’m a self-help book junkie, but if you’re starting your collection, go for it. Time ? to heal those wounds and stop spreading your unhealed hurt ? to others. You got this! ?
Reference:
Sandra Wilson (2001): Hurt People Hurt People
Sending light and love,
CJ
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***I hope any and everything that I post on my blog helps you and enhances your life in many positive ways. In the event that you need mental help, please contact a local therapist in your area; however, if you are in need of immediate assistance for an emergency, please dial 911.
It’s hard to find people that don’t have baggage. I guess we all are expected to go through challenges with someone. I think everybody should come to the table honestly and working on their own stuff so that’s the relationship can last.
Hi there Michael,
Yes, I agree with your sentiments that we all come with some sort of baggage. It’s imperative that we work on improving self, in order to strengthen our relationships. Thank you for your insight! Blessings, CJ
This was great and I took a lot fro
It. Thanks!
Thanks Rebecca! Blessings, CJ
My wife tends to let her problems get to this level where it’s no coming back. Once we get in that place, her way to deal is not healthy. I’m staying in but at times., I do want to leave because it becomes so much.
Hi Poppa Smurf,
Are you and your wife in couples counseling? Or have you ever tried it before? Just curious. I’m wondering what your comment means by “no coming back”. I commend you for being devoted to your marriage and striving to make it work. Blessings, CJ
After I’m in a bad place, I take a step back and ask myself how I got there. If I can fix it, I do. If I can’t, I usually go back to that place eventually. I need to learn how to let things go, but it’s so hard.
Hi Nikki,
Keep trying. It’s never easy trying to work through old hurts; but it’s worth it. You’re half way there by acknowledging there’s an issue. Blessings, CJ
I enjoyed this and hope to see more like this.
Hi Verleria,
Thank you! Hope to see you weekly and engaging. Blessings, CJ
I want to say that I have a few books about how to overcome all levels of hurt that we go through in life. God is my rock and I look for resources to help me process my pain from childhood and relationships. Thank you. I hope to engage more on this topic.
Hi Pastrylady48,
Yes- all of that and more in the book is there. That’s what I enjoyed and refer back to. There are levels to pain that we must deal with. Blessings, CJ
I’m back again this week CJ. Yes, this speaks to me. Thank you.
Hi Shaun,
Glad you got something out of it. ?? We all have some level of pain from something that may not get processed thoroughly. Blessings, CJ
Hey CJ,
I just bought this book because I need more. I’ve never heard that saying but it fits! Whew, Chile. I can’t wait to get it. I guess this explains it all. I’m in amazement.
Hi Ahelani,
I want to purchase it too. Did you order from online bookstore or amazon?
Hi Pastry Lady,
Unsure of where she purchased it, but Amazon always has good deals on books. With it being an older title, you probably can even get a used copy if that’s what you’re seeking. ? Blessings, CJ
Hi Ahelani,
Yes- you won’t regret it. It’s a great reference. ?? Blessings, CJ
Oooh yassss CJ. This hits home for me. I don’t know anybody who isn’t holding on to hurt from the past. I know it’s important to let it go. It can really take a toll on you if you keep focusing on it because other people suffer from your bad energy. I always say I don’t want to be the one with the bad vibes in any relationship. You know I’m trying to be a better me. I’m going to order that book. It sounds really helpful.
Hey Ronda,
Keep working on you. We’re all a work in progress and none of us deserve to be the primary reason for a failed relationship. Acceptance of self works wonders. Blessings, CJ
This is good. I’ve been saying this for years that hurt can ruin relationships. Sometimes people bring too much baggage to the table and it messes with the health of your relationship. I think more people need to be in therapy.
Hey there Missy,
Yes, baggage can make or break relationships but the older we get, we discover that everyone has some type of baggage. Allowing it to control you and your relationships results in failure. Yes, keep pushing. Blessings, CJ
I like your blog and enjoy your insight each week. I’m catching up on all of them. Can’t wait to read them all.
Welcome Saivon!
I look forward to engaging with you. I’m glad you receive insight. Thanks! Blessings, CJ