So, we all know that maintaining a healthy coupledom requires ongoing effort and is extremely challenging without pandemics, like the coronavirus, added into the equation. For many, being quarantined has brought forward unknown feelings and discoveries about ourselves and significant others that we may have wanted to keep hidden. Maybe your spouse travels, works a demanding job with late hours, or is an over the road truck driver, and is now at home more. As a result, you’re noticing that extra spark of energy is missing that’s normally there on weekends, or the household help that you look forward to, suddenly has disintegrated. Prior to the coronavirus outbreak, you could always expect breakfast on Saturdays, the kids out of your hair for half the day (allowing you to catch up and watch all of those shows in PEACE that you’ve been saving), and washing and folding the laundry! Whew, what a treat. ? Again, all of this was prior to the coronavirus. Unfortunately, the coronavirus is still here and now you wonder will those dirty socks ever make it into the laundry hamper- geesh, it’s only three feet away from the shower! ? What about those breakfast dishes? Do they really think you’re the maid? Something has to give. ?
What about you who were already not experiencing any good times prior to the coronavirus? You were having challenges on the home front and just barely skating by. You felt like you were living with a roommate and just came together only when you had to. Silent treatment is your most common form of communication. You knew there were complications and that the situation you were in was unhealthy, but it was feasible because you only had to deal with your partner and the emptiness from late evening until bedtime. Sure, the nights were long and you stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, wondering where it all went wrong. However, the next day quickly came, and now it’s time to continue the pretense and live your day. The bills are paid because you have a mate in the home helping you, so that’s all that matters right now. Furthermore, you have the perception of a “happy coupledom” to your friends, family and colleagues, so you’ve trained your mind to just endure.
How about being in a relationship where you have no idea where you stand? You’ve known this person for years and you thought you were getting closer to a committed union, but every time that you think that you’ve made strides, you two are moving two steps backwards. What gives? How can you move forward with the love of your life and why are you dancing to two separate tunes in life? It’s easier to just stay together because you’ve heard and seen the horror stories about trying to meet someone in this day and age. It’s easier to just stay right where you are, in spite of, because you’ve put in so much time and effort, and it’s just unfair to have to start all over. Oh well, it’s not that bad, right?
I could go on and on with all of the different types of hardship-relationship scenarios that are occurring right now, but these are a few that are common. Life is not as simple as it appears from the outside view. You could truly be living in hell, but an Oscar-performing actress showcasing “happiness” for the masses. Hopefully, while you are still restricted from outside movement during this pandemic, you will continue to search within to discover your needs and ensure you receive them. Some relationships will withstand the test of time, but those should only be the healthy pairings. I could give you tips on enforcing and sustaining relationships, as I shared in the past two blogs, but I’m being led to share how to determine if you are in a healthy or unhealthy relationship.
- When you are going through a difficult time with your significant other, are you focused on the problem and a solution or does it continue to define your relationship? We will always have disagreements because we are two individuals with different minds and worldviews, but if the problem never seems to subside or continues to return at the same elevated level- this is an example of an unhealthy relationship.
- Are you able to be transparent with your mate? Yes, we should all think before we speak, so as not to put our ? in our mouth, but we should always feel comfortable in being ourselves.
- Do you have inside jokes that only you two share? Do you laugh together? Play together? For my spiritual couples- pray together? Confide in one another? If your mate is not aware of what makes you laugh, what dreams you have, what your fears are, etc., there is a great deal lacking in your relationship that needs exploring.
- Are you the cat’s meow to your mate? Do the butterflies still exist when he or she winks at you? Do you feel like you’re valued and wanted? Supported? Every relationship endures different levels to love. One season, you may be over the moon in love and the next, you don’t want to be bothered, but you should have more over the moon seasons than not wanting to be bothered seasons. ?
- Do you find yourself making decisions that you normally would not have, only to satisfy your mate or to avoid conflict? You matter. Healthy conflict is mandatory and compromise is ideal in situations, but not in every situation, which leads to the next question.
- Are you the one who seems to always compromise? Being a part of a union requires effort and compromise on both sides, but not just one-side.
- After committing to change, does your mate always revert back to the same toxic or negative behavior? You should expect your mate to keep their word and to work on shortcomings. This demonstrates respect for self, you and the relationship. Resuming questionable behavior manifests a person’s true character and in many cases, solidifies it.
- Are you there only for the kids? Kids are resilient and can internalize all of the pain and angst that you are experiencing as a couple. Ask yourselves what are they truly gaining by you remaining in the relationship.
- Are you there just for the two- person income household? Material things? Maybe it’s time to downsize and ask yourself, is it truly worth it?
- Do you feel obligated to be physically intimate with your significant other? Intimacy is always your choice. You should never feel like you have to give your body to anyone. There is a reason that you are not feeling connected and it needs to be addressed and considered because it is an important part of the relationship, but not the only part of a healthy relationship.
- Are you happy? Happiness comes from within. Only you can make yourself happy. If you are happy, you do not require anyone else to take over that role for you. Anyone who is a part of your life, supplements and complements your happiness, but never takes it away. If you are relying solely on your mate to sustain your happiness, this is not a healthy relationship and you’ve given them too much control over your internal joy.
- Do you have a life outside of your significant other? You were an individual person before the union, and it’s important to maintain autonomy and interests without your mate.
- Are you on the same wavelength spiritually, financially, and emotionally? It’s imperative to have similar goals for your lives when it relates to the foundational values. If your mate is not growing upward with you and remains in the same space, this is another example of a challenging relationship that could lead to continued deterioration.
- Are outsiders dictating your relationship such as in-laws, friends, and family members? Only you, your spouse and God are in this relationship. No outsiders.
- Do you feel emotionally abused in anyway? Is there any physical abuse occurring? This is ? percent, a NO-NO. Seek help immediately of a trusted support system or call 800-799-7233.
Yes, coronavirus is reeking its’ toll on all of us with relationships included. Taking the time out to explore your relationship and determining if it is worth fighting for is always your choice. Sometimes, therapy can assist with tools to help you combat the onset of issues or long-term problems that have become the norm for your coupledom. If you determine by answering the 15 questions above, the appropriate responses which coincide with each question, that you are in a healthy relationship, continue building. If you determine overall that your relationship is not healthy, it is up to you to make some tough decisions about your life.
What are some tips that you are utilizing that you can share? Let’s talk about it. Leave a reply down below.
***I hope any and everything that I post on my blog helps you and enhances your life in many positive ways. In the event that you need mental help, please contact a local therapist in your area; however, if you are in need of immediate assistance for an emergency, please dial 911.
Next week’s topic: CORONAVIRUS AND MOVING FORWARD
This is good! I can use this when I get in my next relationship. Lol! Can’t wait til next week.
Thank you! Check in on Wednesdays!
Anytime we can get advice on how to keep our marriages together is always good. I don’t take everybody’s beliefs serious the way that I take yours CJ. I can’t wait to see what’s next. Thank you.
Always welcome. Thank you for reading and your valued insight! Blessings to you and yours.
This hits home. I try to think of ways to keep my relationship healthy and we both need to work on it. We had stuff before that we go through but we know we are in it for the long run. I feel like we pass the test that we are in a healthy relationship but it can be better. I know he gets stressed with his job laying him off right now and waiting on unemployment to start but even though it’s a little rough, we are making it. The news is depressing but we are going to try to do whatever it takes to get through this. Can you suggest how to stay close with your partner with limited funds and being in the house?
I know the challenges of trying to make your man feel like a man. It’s important that he knows that you respect him while he’s fighting to keep his masculinity. I enjoy doing nice things for my husband. What does he like? Do more of it. Cater to him sometimes. Even when you are stuck in quarantine.
Sound advice here! 🙂
Hi Pastry Lady,
Thank you for engaging in the conversation. Dialogue is mandatory when obtaining change in your relationship. I always have believed in date nights and encouraging couples never to lose sight of what connected them in the first place. Just because it’s quarantine doesn’t mean you can’t have date night. In fact, many couples are remanded to their homes for many factors outside of quarantine, including lack of sitters for the children and finances, to name a few. Be spontaneous. Plan an after hours picnic for the two of you when the kids are asleep. Instead of eating dinner with the kids, give them dinner early and have a romantic dinner for two. Go to the movies- at home. Find a movie that appeals to you both, pop some popcorn and snuggle under a blanket. There’s so many options to do at home- google is your friend! lol. All the best! CJ
OMG CJ! This pandemic has really challenged me in my relationship in sooo many ways. It’s exposed a lot of inner issues for me and my mate individually forcing us to work harder on our own issues that would normally complicate our relationship. We have also picked up some tools that are beginning to work for us helping things flow smoother. One being we text each other when we have a disagreement instead of sitting in each others faces allowing things to get heated. This way we avoid yelling matches where no one is hearing the other person and helping us understand other viewpoints. This sounds funny but it ultimately steers us away from conflicts we can’t fix. I pray others are finding tools that work for them or get out of toxic relationships. The pandemic is enough to deal with. God help us all!
Blessings All!
Now, I like that idea! I’ve never thought about resolving conflict through text messages. I usually think that texting could come across as a way to not communicate effectively because the tone can be misconstrued BUT now I realize it can help to deescalate conflict. It can keep the communication lines open, instead of shutting it down completely. Some people are quick to resort to silent treatment, but at least this keeps it ongoing. I actually will try to come up with a way to utilize this as a tool for my couples in therapy, especially with our phones being such a major part of daily lives. I’ve always liked writing things down to ensure all of my points or emotions are conveyed. It is important to speak from the heart too, but it is also logical to get all of your needs expressed without disruption. There’s always a fair way to resolve conflict. Whatever it takes to keep the healthy relationships going, I am all in! Thank you for this useful info!
test