Coronavirus, You and Your Mate

So, we all know that maintaining a healthy coupledom requires ongoing effort and is extremely challenging without pandemics, like the coronavirus, added into the equation. For many, being quarantined has brought forward unknown feelings and discoveries about ourselves and significant others that we may have wanted to keep hidden. Maybe your spouse travels, works a demanding job with late hours, or is an over the road truck driver, and is now at home more. As a result, you’re noticing that extra spark of energy is missing that’s normally there on weekends, or the household help that you look forward to, suddenly has disintegrated. Prior to the coronavirus outbreak, you could always expect breakfast on Saturdays, the kids out of your hair for half the day (allowing you to catch up and watch all of those shows in PEACE that you’ve been saving), and washing and folding the laundry! Whew, what a treat. ? Again, all of this was prior to the coronavirus. Unfortunately, the coronavirus is still here and now you wonder will those dirty socks ever make it into the laundry hamper- geesh, it’s only three feet away from the shower! ? What about those breakfast dishes? Do they really think you’re the maid? Something has to give. ?

What about you who were already not experiencing any good times prior to the coronavirus? You were having challenges on the home front and just barely skating by. You felt like you were living with a roommate and just came together only when you had to. Silent treatment is your most common form of communication. You knew there were complications and that the situation you were in was unhealthy, but it was feasible because you only had to deal with your partner and the emptiness from late evening until bedtime. Sure, the nights were long and you stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, wondering where it all went wrong. However, the next day quickly came, and now it’s time to continue the pretense and live your day. The bills are paid because you have a mate in the home helping you, so that’s all that matters right now. Furthermore, you have the perception of a “happy coupledom” to your friends, family and colleagues, so you’ve trained your mind to just endure.

How about being in a relationship where you have no idea where you stand? You’ve known this person for years and you thought you were getting closer to a committed union, but every time that you think that you’ve made strides, you two are moving two steps backwards. What gives? How can you move forward with the love of your life and why are you dancing to two separate tunes in life? It’s easier to just stay together because you’ve heard and seen the horror stories about trying to meet someone in this day and age. It’s easier to just stay right where you are, in spite of, because you’ve put in so much time and effort, and it’s just unfair to have to start all over. Oh well, it’s not that bad, right?

I could go on and on with all of the different types of hardship-relationship scenarios that are occurring right now, but these are a few that are common. Life is not as simple as it appears from the outside view. You could truly be living in hell, but an Oscar-performing actress showcasing “happiness” for the masses. Hopefully, while you are still restricted from outside movement during this pandemic, you will continue to search within to discover your needs and ensure you receive them. Some relationships will withstand the test of time, but those should only be the healthy pairings. I could give you tips on enforcing and sustaining relationships, as I shared in the past two blogs, but I’m being led to share how to determine if you are in a healthy or unhealthy relationship.

  1. When you are going through a difficult time with your significant other, are you focused on the problem and a solution or does it continue to define your relationship? We will always have disagreements because we are two individuals with different minds and worldviews, but if the problem never seems to subside or continues to return at the same elevated level- this is an example of an unhealthy relationship.
  2. Are you able to be transparent with your mate? Yes, we should all think before we speak, so as not to put our ? in our mouth, but we should always feel comfortable in being ourselves.
  3. Do you have inside jokes that only you two share? Do you laugh together? Play together? For my spiritual couples- pray together? Confide in one another? If your mate is not aware of what makes you laugh, what dreams you have, what your fears are, etc., there is a great deal lacking in your relationship that needs exploring.
  4. Are you the cat’s meow to your mate? Do the butterflies still exist when he or she winks at you? Do you feel like you’re valued and wanted? Supported? Every relationship endures different levels to love. One season, you may be over the moon in love and the next, you don’t want to be bothered, but you should have more over the moon seasons than not wanting to be bothered seasons. ?
  5. Do you find yourself making decisions that you normally would not have, only to satisfy your mate or to avoid conflict? You matter. Healthy conflict is mandatory and compromise is ideal in situations, but not in every situation, which leads to the next question.
  6. Are you the one who seems to always compromise? Being a part of a union requires effort and compromise on both sides, but not just one-side.
  7. After committing to change, does your mate always revert back to the same toxic or negative behavior? You should expect your mate to keep their word and to work on shortcomings. This demonstrates respect for self, you and the relationship. Resuming questionable behavior manifests a person’s true character and in many cases, solidifies it.
  8. Are you there only for the kids? Kids are resilient and can internalize all of the pain and angst that you are experiencing as a couple. Ask yourselves what are they truly gaining by you remaining in the relationship.
  9. Are you there just for the two- person income household? Material things? Maybe it’s time to downsize and ask yourself, is it truly worth it?
  10. Do you feel obligated to be physically intimate with your significant other? Intimacy is always your choice. You should never feel like you have to give your body to anyone. There is a reason that you are not feeling connected and it needs to be addressed and considered because it is an important part of the relationship, but not the only part of a healthy relationship.
  11. Are you happy? Happiness comes from within. Only you can make yourself happy. If you are happy, you do not require anyone else to take over that role for you. Anyone who is a part of your life, supplements and complements your happiness, but never takes it away. If you are relying solely on your mate to sustain your happiness, this is not a healthy relationship and you’ve given them too much control over your internal joy.
  12. Do you have a life outside of your significant other? You were an individual person before the union, and it’s important to maintain autonomy and interests without your mate.
  13. Are you on the same wavelength spiritually, financially, and emotionally? It’s imperative to have similar goals for your lives when it relates to the foundational values. If your mate is not growing upward with you and remains in the same space, this is another example of a challenging relationship that could lead to continued deterioration.
  14. Are outsiders dictating your relationship such as in-laws, friends, and family members? Only you, your spouse and God are in this relationship. No outsiders.
  15. Do you feel emotionally abused in anyway? Is there any physical abuse occurring? This is ? percent, a NO-NO. Seek help immediately of a trusted support system or call 800-799-7233.

Yes, coronavirus is reeking its’ toll on all of us with relationships included. Taking the time out to explore your relationship and determining if it is worth fighting for is always your choice. Sometimes, therapy can assist with tools to help you combat the onset of issues or long-term problems that have become the norm for your coupledom. If you determine by answering the 15 questions above, the appropriate responses which coincide with each question, that you are in a healthy relationship, continue building. If you determine overall that your relationship is not healthy, it is up to you to make some tough decisions about your life.

What are some tips that you are utilizing that you can share? Let’s talk about it. Leave a reply down below.

***I hope any and everything that I post on my blog helps you and enhances your life in many positive ways. In the event that you need mental help, please contact a local therapist in your area; however, if you are in need of immediate assistance for an emergency, please dial 911.

Next week’s topic: CORONAVIRUS AND MOVING FORWARD

Coronavirus and the Fam

Greetings! So, we’ve discussed how to keep ourselves sane enough to survive this pandemic by practicing self-care, but what if you are responsible for others’ well-being? Many of us have spouses, children, elderly parents, and so forth that rely on us daily for care and protection. After we’ve provided our essential needs to self, our loved ones will follow suit naturally of receiving an extended level of care to help with their sustainment.

In the complexity of the coronavirus, you’re most likely experiencing increased stressors. For some, through no fault of your own, finances are different due to furloughs and layoffs. You’re trying to hold it all together and fight for whatever normalcy you can garner. For others, you may be considered an essential worker and although this uncharted craziness should allow you to take the time to ensure your family is well, you have to keep going as if all is well in every aspect of your life.

How can you balance it all and demonstrate to your family that you all will come out on the other side of this unscathed? I don’t know if unscathed is even possible for any of us because this monumental, history-making event will most likely affect us all. It’s pretty much impossible to think that any of us are going to come through this unchanged, so I like to think of it as evolution taking place for mankind.

No matter what the makeup is in your family, we can all strive to keep our families intact. Family isn’t always blood relation and consists of those who love you unconditionally, despite your shortcomings. A family is supportive and caring of its’ members and there to help you to become the best you. The support is reciprocal and should never be one-sided. This means, you and your family are in this together and will rely on one another to come out on the other side- scathed but stronger and forever united! (Notice how I changed “unscathed” to “scathed” 🙂 ).

I want to give you some ideas to utilize with your family to increase unity, no matter what type of family that you have. All may not apply, but I am sure a few will. 🙂

  1. Use this time to sop up all of the family time that you can withstand! Family game nights are so much fun and a way to continue to connect and to reprioritize your family. Movie nights, family walks, coloring contests….whatever just soak it all up!
  2. Zoom, Skype, Messenger, GotoMeeting are all apps available to connect to your loved ones who are not in the same household as you. Schedule a weekly call to check in with everybody.
  3. Limit the time you and your family spend on the news and media outlets. Yes, it is important to stay in the know, but when it starts to affect your sleep and place you in an anxious state, it’s time to cutback.
  4. Encourage your children or youth to use their words. We know that many of the youth today are addicted to electronics (phones, tablets, laptops, etc.,) and can get so entranced that they are not engaging in conversation. Designate a time with zero technology and it being family talk time to discuss whatever they want.
  5. Keep the chores the same. If your children have duties such as maintaining bathroom cleanliness, washing dishes, taking out trash, etc., do not change it. Routines that they are responsible for should remain the same.
  6. Try not to add any additional stress to children. Yes, this may be a difficult time for all in the household, but identify the adult problems and allow them to remain just that. Children won’t be children for long and sometimes are forced to grow into adulthood before their time, but if you can keep adult problems with the adults, do!
  7. Spring Cleaning is in full effect! Imagine coming out of this with clean closets and dust free baseboards. Nice! If your kids have clothes or toys that they have outgrown, it’s a great time to organize for donation to your favorite charity.
  8. Show children how to be a good neighbor. Are there any elderly neighbors in your neighborhood who need help with taking their trash out or someone to grab a few items from the grocery store?
  9. Ask your support circle for help. Are you having a difficult time buying groceries or resources for paying your monthly expenses? Speak up, you may be surprised who has answers or support in your support circle.
  10. Build your support circle if you realize that the tip above does not apply to you. As stated in my last blog post and probably all of the future ones, a support circle is essential and necessary to get through life’s journeys.
  11. Never take for granted your beautiful family. Life is but a blink of an eye, so always be grateful and teach them the same so that this ideal is a generational gift: GRATITUDE.
  12. Pray, meditate, moments of silence, reading scriptures or any spiritual practice that your family engages in can further unite you.
  13. LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH. No explanation needed.
  14. READ together. One of my favorites. A good book can help to temporarily escape. Go ahead and get lost in a book. YOU SO DESERVE IT.
  15. Plan ahead. We will eventually get beyond this and it’s important to make plans, set goals, make a list and eventually achieve all of these things for you and your family.

LET’S CHAT! LEAVE A MESSAGE BELOW IF YOU’D LIKE AND HELP OTHERS WITH ANY SUGGESTIONS THAT YOU MAY HAVE!

***I hope any and everything that I post on my blog helps you and enhances your life in many positive ways. In the event that you need mental help, please contact a local therapist in your area; however, if you are in need of immediate assistance for an emergency, please dial 911.

Next week’s topic: CORONAVIRUS, YOU, AND YOUR MATE

Coronavirus and Me

Welcome to my first, official blog post which will be a four-part weekly series pertaining to the Coronavirus pandemic. I decided to start with the most important person that deserves essential care: YOU! Everyone else should come secondary to your mental health because as the old age adage screams, how can you take care of anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself?

I don’t think any of us could have fathomed experiencing something so life-changing in our lifetime. Yes, we may have envisioned challenges but I doubt to this magnitude that we are witnessing. No matter how spiritual you are or the fortitude that you possess within, this by all means is a trying and scary situation, especially when the “experts” continually change their thoughts and demonstrate daily that they are flabbergasted. How can you keep your sanity and hope alive to believe in life as you’ve always known it? That’s the tricky part of it all, but it is doable if you are willing to accept change.

Life as we know it may never be again. We may have to adjust to new social distancing rules from here until the end, but you are here for a reason. You can adjust to this “new normal” just as you’ve adjusted to all of the other new normals in your life. You’ve had all kinds of challenges presented in your life and you’ve learned to adapt and accept. At this point, it’s key to evaluate your life. What’s working? Identify the strengths and goodness that you want to continue and make those things priorities. You are victorious and will not come out of this the same. The end game can be such a beautiful blessing because you now have much desired downtime that you once lacked prior to the pandemic to determine your next moves; however, it takes motivation and strife to make it happen.

As you are discovering how you can achieve what you need for your life on this individual journey, please do not neglect self. Self requires holistic care in order to stand strong, move forward, and to defeat the hurdles. It’s also needed to combat the onset of diagnoses pertaining to PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder), anxiety and depression that could develop during uncertain times, such as the times that we are currently enduring. Here are a few tips to help you proceed and to regain your new level of normalcy:

  1. Identify the areas in your life that could use an overhaul along with the areas that are beneficial to your overall being.
  2. Set realistic goals for yourself with a realistic time table of how and when to achieve these new goals.
  3. Each day recite a positive affirmation for your life, which could include a spiritual affirmation or biblical passage.
  4. Develop a new schedule for yourself that you stick to which creates a level of normalcy for yourself. This includes a schedule for your family as well because it benefits you.
  5. Carve out individual time for yourself daily to meditate, pray, read, or whatever that brings you a sense of peace without focusing on the world’s happenings.
  6. Take a walk outside of your home. Even if it’s only around your neighborhood, to the mailbox and down the street, fresh air is tranquil.
  7. Know your slumber number. How many hours do you need to feel fully functional? For some, it could be 6-8 hours, but you could require more. Aim to achieve that amount nightly of much needed rest to put today’s happenings to bed.
  8. Make a new playlist of your favorite types of music. Whether you enjoy rap, country, old school, or gospel…get your music on and dance!
  9. Find your support network. Sometimes this is your family, coworkers, colleagues, church members, or social groups with people who share similar interests. Whoever it is, it’s your circle and it’s necessary.
  10. Count your blessings. There is so much to be grateful for no matter what your situation.
  11. Give in to your emotions. It is always ok to feel what you are feeling. So today, you may be feeing sad, hopeless, undetermined, or defeated. Tomorrow is a new day and could bring HOPE, JOY, STRENGTH and DETERMINATION.
  12. DO NOT GIVE UP! Stay in the fight and keep moving. Try to remember that each day has its’ own challenges, but you will not be defined by your circumstances.

What are some other tips that you are utilizing that you can share? Let’s talk about it. Leave a reply down below.

***I hope any and everything that I post on my blog helps you and enhances your life in many positive ways. In the event that you need mental help, please contact a local therapist in your area; however, if you are in need of immediate assistance for an emergency, please dial 911.

Next week’s topic: CORONAVIRUS AND THE FAM

Introduction


Greetings everyone! My name is CJ Madry, and I’m an LPC and CMFT (Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Marriage and Family Therapist). I wanted to start a blog to provide an additional resource for anyone that may benefit from gaining insight from a professional therapist as well as others in similar situations which relate to the topic that we will be discussing. Life is a journey in itself and can be extremely difficult to navigate, so knowing that others are experiencing the types of challenges that you are battling can help to alleviate these stressors in your life. This by zero means is meant to be an actual therapeutic counseling session nor are we establishing any type of client-counselor relationship or privilege, but again, it can be an outlet to help you to release and establish a new way of thinking for your life.

Going forward, every week I will post a new blog entry detailing how you can become a better version of yourself in one of the following ways:

Anecdotal

This type of blog uses personal experiences or past sessions to inspire the day’s discussions. Since many of us deal with so many similar issues, it is moreover a general type of situation that will be addressed. There will be zero identifying information and will be written as such.

Educational

This type of blog uses literature and educational resources to explain a specific concept or problem. In addition to my professional expertise, I will also provide references and sources to supplement the text at hand. These sources will also be available for additional resources to research and read on your own.

How-to/DIY

This type of blog teaches individuals how to maneuver when faced with certain curve balls in life. These will be tips and suggestions to aid in certain situations to garner relief. This will not allow for a replacement to actual therapy, if warranted for your life, but can be a supplement to therapy as well as a precursor to therapy.

Favorites/Lists

This type of blog lists my favorite items or practices at the moment by implementing within therapeutic sessions. In therapy, as we learn and apply different techniques that seem to work overall, it can become a favorite or common ideal that we will utilize, i.e., communication game for couples, to do lists for children, and journaling for individuals. These can be used as additional resources and will change continuously as I discover new ideals and practices.

Current Events

This type of blog discusses various current events and how to navigate through them or apply them to your daily life. As we all know life is never the same and changes like the weather. At this moment in time, we all are experiencing the heart of the COVID-19 pandemic. As we learn more about the ups and downs of it, we will hopefully move to different stages of this pandemic, including the aftermath.

Please check here every Wednesday for a new blog post that will have motivational, spiritual, and enlightening content to help you get through the week and strive diligently to navigate this gift of life. I hope this will inspire you to feel comfortable in engagement with the topics, as well as suggesting future topics that you would like to see discussed in this forum.

Do’s and Don’ts

Happy Wednesday Readers!!! I wanted to express my overwhelming gratitude that you are ready to tackle this journey called life with me. Before we dive in though, I want to lay a few ground rules for my blog site just to ensure that we are all on the same page.

Don’t: Copy the content on my blog for the purposes of financial gain or profiting, plagiarism, malicious behavior or ill-intent.

Do: Copy and give recognition of quotes taken and use for personal purposes such as social media, email, school papers, etc., Rule of thumb: Always reference.

Don’t: Use profanity or explicit language when commenting on blog posts or sending messages. This will result in you being blocked and banned from the site and all other sites of affiliation.

Do: Comment generously on any and all blog posts and participate in engaging conversation with other readers. Respect is mandated and understanding that differing opinions does not warrant unkindness and demeaning behavior/words.

Don’t: Use this blog site in place of professional therapy for any reason. This is a resource not a replacement. There is no professional client/counselor relationship established.

Do: Contact me personally for therapeutic services or for assistance in finding a licensed professional counselor in your area.

HAPPY READING!